Where to begin....
I have been MIA for a reason that I have not wanted to write about.
As most of you guys know I was pregnant...well I am sad to say that we lost the baby.
I guess I have not wanted to write about it because it's just something I don't like to talk about. I don't like to get all personal and talk about my feelings. I have barley shared my feelings with my husband, I think that if I just forget about it everything will be fine.
So this all happened about 2 weeks ago.
It was the Saturday before Valentines day, me and my sister were out shopping and having a ton of fun. I just remember that day, something didn't feel right. I felt like I wasn't pregnant. I lost the sore boobs, any kind of nausea, and my exhaustion was gone. I chopped it up to my body changing and my hormones were changing as well. Well that's what I was convincing myself of.
That night when we came back home and I was relaxing before a pre Valentines dinner with my family at The Outback steak house. I just remember going to the bathroom and doing my stuff and looking down to see a ton of blood...right then I knew what was happening. But then the bleeding stopped and I thought maybe I broke a blood vessel or something crazy like that or maybe I strained myself while out shopping. I was thinking a ton of things that it could be...but not a miscarriage.
So I decided to just go to dinner and if it got worse I would go to the doctor tomorrow.
That was the worst dinner ever! I couldn't enjoy myself at all, the only thing running through my head was wanting to go get a ultra sound to make sure everything was ok.
The next day the bleeding was getting worse and I remember the doctor telling me if I started bleeding that the ER really can't do anything for me and to come and see him. I figured I would do just that. So I went in on Monday morning with the worst period like cramps, almost like labor contractions. The cramps kept coming and going. But I still had hope that this baby would be ok.
We went in and had a ultra sound, the baby had moved down to my cervix with no heart beat. I saw the picture on the big screen in the ultra sound room and I knew it. I knew from the very beginning that this pregnancy wouldn't last. I knew from the very minute I took that pregnancy test, when I told everyone the good news, everyone was so happy and I just couldn't be that excited because I knew. It never felt right.
When I was in the doctors office I had not shed one single tear, I felt like I couldn't because if I did I wouldn't be able to stop.
When the doctor was talking to me he was so sweet and you could really tell that he felt bad. He touched my knee and said "it's ok to cry" and then came the water works. But I needed to cry, I think that is part of the process. I have learned that I need to let out my emotions and not hold them back. It's hard because I don't like people to see me cry.
Then came the hard part going home with the bad news, knowing I couldn't change anything, knowing I had to tell everyone and thinking
It's not fair to have to loose something so close to you that you never got to hold or kiss. The worst part was knowing that I still had to go through the process of miscarriage.
It took almost 3 days after that appointment to pass the fetus. The doctor gave me pills to make me have contractions. Let me say that was the worst thing ever!
I never realized what physical and emotional pain went into having a miscarriage. It's something I never wish anyone to go through and I hope and pray I never have to go through that again.
Today I am finally done with this whole process! I went to the doctor yesterday and he said everything has passed and I can try again in 2-3 months.
I feel like I have been a tough cookie through this whole thing. I had one break down, alone in my room crying and angry with the situation. Trying to figure out why this happened!
But I am moving on knowing I will get pregnant again and have a beautiful baby.
My heart goes out to you moms that have gone through this, I can say that I really have empathy for you and I am so sorry.
Thank you for listening