Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Sad day I will never forget but hold in my heart forever.

 Where to begin....
I have been MIA for a reason that I have not wanted to write about. 
As most of you guys know I was pregnant...well I am sad to say that we lost the baby. 
I guess I have not wanted to write about it because it's just something I don't like to talk about. I don't like to get all personal and talk about my feelings. I have barley shared my feelings with my husband, I think that if I just forget about it everything will be fine. 
So this all happened about 2 weeks ago. 
It was the Saturday before Valentines day, me and my sister were out shopping and having a ton of fun. I just remember that day, something didn't feel right. I felt like I wasn't pregnant. I lost the sore boobs, any kind of nausea, and my exhaustion was gone. I chopped it up to my body changing and my hormones were changing as well. Well that's what I was convincing myself of. 
That night when we came back home and I was relaxing before a pre Valentines dinner with my family at The Outback steak house. I just remember going to the bathroom and doing my stuff and looking down to see a ton of blood...right then I knew what was happening. But then the bleeding stopped and I thought maybe I broke a blood vessel or something crazy like that or maybe I strained myself while out shopping. I was thinking a  ton of things that it could be...but not a miscarriage. 
So I decided to just go to dinner and if it got worse I would go to the doctor tomorrow. 
That was the worst dinner ever! I couldn't enjoy myself at all, the only thing running through my head was wanting to go get a ultra sound to make sure everything was ok. 
The next day the bleeding was getting worse and I remember the doctor telling me if I started bleeding that the ER really can't do anything for me and to come and see him. I figured I would do just that. So I went in on Monday morning with the worst period like cramps, almost like labor contractions. The cramps kept coming and going. But I still had hope that this baby would be ok. 
We went in and had a ultra sound, the baby had moved down to my cervix with no heart beat. I saw the picture on the big screen in the ultra sound room and I knew it. I knew from the very beginning that this pregnancy wouldn't last. I knew from the very minute I took that pregnancy test, when I told everyone the good news, everyone was so happy and I just couldn't be that excited because I knew. It never felt right. 
When I was in the doctors office I had not shed one single tear, I felt like I couldn't because if I did I wouldn't be able to stop. 
When the doctor was talking to me he was so sweet and you could really tell that he felt bad. He touched my knee and said "it's ok to cry" and then came the water works. But I needed to cry, I think that is part of the process. I have learned that I need to let out my emotions and not hold them back. It's hard because I don't like people to see me cry. 
Then came the hard part going home with the bad news, knowing I couldn't change anything, knowing I had to tell everyone and thinking
 It's not fair to have to loose something so close to you that you never got to hold or kiss. The worst part was knowing that I still had to go through the process of miscarriage. 
It took almost 3 days after that appointment to pass the fetus. The doctor gave me pills to make me have contractions. Let me say that was the worst thing ever! 
I never realized what physical and emotional pain went into having a miscarriage. It's something I never wish anyone to go through and I hope and pray I never have to go through that again. 
Today I am finally done with this whole process! I went to the doctor yesterday and he said everything has passed and  I can try again in 2-3 months. 

I feel like I have been a tough cookie through this whole thing. I had one break down, alone in my room crying and angry with the situation. Trying to figure out why this happened! 
But I am moving on knowing I will get pregnant again and have a beautiful baby. 
My heart goes out to you moms that have gone through this, I can say that I really have empathy for you and I am so sorry. 

Thank you for listening


Kimberly Bonham said...

I am so sorry to hear this news :(
I have friends that have gone through this and it's just heart wrenching. Keep your chin up and trust in God. He has your back and everything will all work out.
Praying for you!

Kate and Ry said...

I am so sorry for your lose. I can't even imagine what you must be going through.

The Painters Patch said...

Oh I am so sorry for your loss. Hang in there girl. You've been in my thoughts the past couple weeks, and I was wondering how you were fairing. My heart breaks for you.

Simply.Lovely.Things said...

Thank you for sharing. Hugs and prayers

Maria-Isabel @ Agape Love Designs said...

Reading this made me cry. I have been through misscarriage twice. And it is a very sad thing. Its hard and I feel for anyone who has gone through it. I am so sorry for your loss. The good thing is knowing your baby is safe and in the arms of Jesus in Heaven. And you two will meet again one day. That is what got me through it. I still choke up thinking about my babies, but I am comforted too.

mommyof1b2g said...

So sorry to hear that news that had to be tough to write about. I cannot even imagine but am hoping u have tremendous support and that will help make it easier as time goes on. Hang in there!!

AbsoluteMommy said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I don't even feel like I can verbalize sympathy for you, because I have no idea how you feel. I'm not qualified. I feel like I'm semi qualified to pray for you and pray for strength on this incredibly hard journey.

Christine said...

I'm truly sorry for your lost. :( You'll get pregnant in no time I'm certain :)

I had no idea that a miscarriage involved all that.

Jenelle "rella ella ella" said...

lots of hugs. praying for you xoxo

Ashley said...

I am so sorry to hear this. I can not even begin to imagine what you are going through. I can only say that I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Tiffany said...

I'm newish to your blog, but I just wanted to say that I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss! I completely understand your pain, as I lost my first baby to a miscarriage. I remember sitting on the toilet with the worst cramps ever and sobbing my eyes out. It hurts in your heart so much more than you think it would. I'll pray that you're able to quickly recover both emotionally and physically. *hugs*

Anonymous said...

Lots of hugs. Keep your head up and be strong. I'm sorry you had to endure something like that. It's grea to see the support from everyone, because that helps the most. I too have had a miscarriage, I have actually had four. So I know how you feel. You'll have your baby! Just keep on going sweetie. Lots of love and prayers.

Trisha @ 3 Four and Under said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. I can understand what you are going through as I lost my first baby to a miscarriage as well. I didn't realize how many women go through it until I had a miscarriage myself. Thinking of you, hugs

Sue said...

I'm so sorry for you loss.

Cindi said...

I am so sorry for your loss but your little angel must have been needed in heaven. God bless you and keep you!

Jenny {Heavenly Blossoms} said...

I admire your strength and outlook on your situation. I am so sorry that you had to go through that. I don't know what to say, but if I could I would give you a hug :/
You are so strong for sharing this and I hope that you find support and caring words of encouragement from this community!

Susan D said...

I am so sorry. Our thoughts are with you

The Dainty Dolls House said...

Am so sorry for your loss and hearing of this really sad news. I had just found your blog from Chickadette link up, glad I did. I hope that in time you will feel better (if possible with something like this) I admire your strength for wanting to move on and know that you will have a beautiful baby again. I never know why these things happen, but I know people can get through them and come out on top & I hope this for you. Lots of love xx Kizzy :)

tricia said...

Hugs, sweet friend. Praying for you. <3

Carrie said...

Hi, I stopped over to grab some images for our giveaway this week and I saw this. Gosh, I'm so sorry. I've been through the same thing, and what struck a chord was that I also knew each time it wasn't going to be a viable pregnancy. That doesn't take the pain away, though. It's just a strange thing that sometimes happens, and I've been there too! I hope your heart heals in time. Again, I'm sorry for your loss.

Rebecca said...

I just read this post. I cannot even imagine how you feel. My heart was breaking while reading your words. I know that you don't know me, but you should know that I send you lots of love and healing energy. I am a person who loves to give hugs, so know that I am sending some your way.

You will never forget, but time will pass and it will get a little easier. Trust that there is always a reason. It is a big part of the mystery of the cosmos. We don't always understand why things happen, but there is always a reason.